Beautification project

I thought I'd explain why my September resolution is to beautify my feet. Although if you've ever seen my feet, no explanation is needed.

First I would like to say that I love and appreciate my feet. They are such capable, tough appendages. I ask a lot of them but utterly neglect their care. Most of their time is spent in a rubber flip flop, a sweaty running shoe, or a point-toed high heel.

Obstacles to my feet being beautiful include:

-- They are hairy.

-- They have had a toenail fungus/Athlete's Foot since mid-high school (12 or 13 years).

-- The right one has a longish ugly scar that looks like a bridge from the hair to the toenail fungus.

-- They are covered with calluses.

-- They are wide and chubby.

So you see what I'm up against.

If you're thinking that foot beautification is a noble goal but probably should have begun in, say, May instead of September, I agree, but it didn't occur to me in May, so here we go.

My action plan involves the following steps:

-- Remove toenail polish to let toenails breathe (normally they are painted ALL the time, which can't be good for them).

-- Begin regimen of applying distilled vinegar to toenails every morning and night for a few months (this is supposed to get rid of toenail fungus, but if you miss a dose, you have to start all over).

-- Wax them? I don't want to shave them -- prickly feet can't be cool -- but I want to get rid of the hair.

-- Apply shea lotion every night.

There's nothing I can do about the calluses. (I've exfoliated them off before, only to have blister-covered feet after the next run. Calluses do serve a purpose.) And there's nothing to be done about their width or chubbiness (but I would like to say thanks, Mom).

But I will be happy if they get to the point of not disgusting everyone who sees or touches them. Even Matt, who should be convinced by now that none of my foot issues are contagious, recoils when I throw my foot into his face to remind him that ugly feet need rubbing too.

This must change.